Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
