Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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