Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm at about main and main street
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
