you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
