i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it glows. i had to have it.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
