I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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