peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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