I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
