I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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