Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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