I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
