we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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