You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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