Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
as a side note pls kill me
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
