lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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