it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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