"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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