Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
