Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
