Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
