"it" just moved
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
