Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
