Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
