Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
