oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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