Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
