I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
false alarm, still single
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