this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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