I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
