I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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