this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
