alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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