Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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