I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
