Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Randomize
