I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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