I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
