Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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