my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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