i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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