Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
a search helicopter?!
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
3 2 1 whiskey
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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