how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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