hell yes lets make some ravioli
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
