he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
