I got her a Nickelback box set.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
