i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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