I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
