I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Sorry about my life...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
