i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
