i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
