think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I should be sponsored by Trojan
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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